How I am Doing and Other Ramblings

So, our trip out to Utah did not go as planned.  On our way to go visit Rainbow Bridge, we were in an almost head on collision with a houseboat as we were both traveling on the channel in opposite directions.  As I remember the events of that day, it is more the feelings I had that come back to me:

* Gratitude that my Dad swerved at the last minute, which most likely saved all the grandkids lives.

* Gratitude for the people on the houseboat who we crashed with.  There were two families that were vacationing there together as friends and, I'll tell you what, they were saints.  They literally took all of us onto their boat and took care of us.  One of the couples were both doctors, and they checked out all of the kids to make sure they were okay while we were waiting for help to arrive.  They gave us their clothes to keep us from shivering, fed us their food, and kept the kids entertained with coloring books and ipads while the adults took care of other things or just sat in shock.  There were many tender mercies that day - and these people were one of them.

* Gratitude that my husband and daughters were all still with me and safe.

* Anguish for my Dad and brother who had lost their significant others

* Amazement at the wisdom and eternal perspective children have when Analise came up to me and said, "Mom, is Jessica not handicapped anymore?"

* Gratitude that I was able to be with my mom, holding her hand, when she died.  I know that sounds weird to be feeling that way in that moment, but that is truly how I felt.  It was so hard for me to be so far from family the year before when my brother and his wife had a stillborn baby boy.  I wanted to be able to be with my family, to "mourn with those who mourn, and comfort those who stand in need of comfort".  I was so grateful just to be able to be there with my mom, to realize that she wasn't going to make it, but to feel a sense of overwhelming peace, that it was going to be okay, and to let her know I loved her.

* Pain at having to call my brother and let him know what happened - knowing the pain and hurt it would inflict on him.

*Gratitude for my husband - his strengths, that he is worthy of his priesthood, who he is.  I was pretty dazed and in shock for most of the time - maybe because I had been banged around in the head pretty good, or maybe because I didn't fully comprehend what was going on.  At any rate, I'm so grateful that Chris kept a level head - despite his own feelings and the chaos, he helped us all stay focused on what needed to be done, helped get the kids safe, and gave me, my dad, brother, and Aly all priesthood blessings.

Here is a picture of what Chris' arm looked like after the accident.  He said it felt like something was wrapped around it.  My knee that was bruised up the worst looked a little like this as well.  I also had a 2" hairline fracture in my nose/cheekbone and a lovely black eye to go along with it.  Chris got a lot of suspicious looks everywhere we went for the next week or so.

My Dad, Siblings, and Spouses outside the Jordan River Temple.  We were able to all go to do a session together.  I love the peace that is there, feeling unified to my entire family, and remembering everyone together in the Celestial Room the year before when Jessica received her endowments.

The next week was a crazy whirl of activity.  I never thought I'd be planning my mom and sister's funeral - at least not for like another 20 years, and definitely not together.  However, I loved the closeness I felt to my family at that time - looking through photo albums, reliving all the fun(ny) memories we had growing up, and remembering all the awesome traits/quirks about my mom and Jess.  

Also, it was amazing to feel the outpouring of love and prayers that came to our family.  It's amazing how something like this breaks down all the barriers of  time and space - I have never been hugged so much in my life.  It was wonderful to see so many friends and family that I haven't seen for years - from cousins to elementary school teachers to friends from elementary through college.  We even had a couple of our friends from our current ward in Florida who were out visiting in Utah stop by to show their love and support for our family.  I can tell you that I truly felt uplifted and sustained by the love and prayers of so, so many wonderful people - even people I had never met and found out later were praying for our family.

And finally, there was the peace. I have heard people talk about how the Spirit can carry you through times like this; I had just never experienced it for myself.  Even as the weight of the situation would weigh down on me, I would feel the Spirit supporting and strengthening me.  It truly increased my testimony of the atonement - knowing that the Lord "has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows".

This is a painting done by a lady in my parents' ward of my Mom and Jess when Jess was around, I wanna say, 8 years old.

So, how have I been feeling?  Well, sometimes I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster.  I swing back and forth between two extremes that are somehow intertwined.  First, missing my mom and sister.  I ache  for them because I loved the times we would have together and how happy they would make me and I just wish they could keep going on and on.  Sometimes I just want to pick up the phone and call them so bad I could scream.  I also miss them and long for them for my children's sake.  One of the things that was really important to me when I knew I would be marrying someone in the military  is that even though I would be moving a ton, I still wanted my children to know their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.  Despite the distance I feel that my girls do have a great relationship with extended family.  They all loved my Mom and Jess tremendously and it just makes me hurt to know that they won't continue to have their stabilizing influence (at least on this side of the veil) as they grow up.  The sadness comes in waves.  It is not constant, but it is very overpowering.

Secondly, I am overcome with a huge sense of gratitude that I am still here with my family and wanting to cherish every moment that I spend with them.  I know that Heavenly Father did not save me from this tragedy for me to fall apart on my family or stop living my life.  If anything, this incident has made me want to be a better wife and mother, to live my life to the fullest and enjoy those who are most precious to me.

From left: Spencer, Laura, Me, Matt, Dad, (Jess, Mom)

In addition, there have been many articles/talks/conversations that have brought me comfort/been therapeutic:
* My Dad's stake president who reminded us that no righteous person will be taken from the earth until they have completed their mission upon the earth.
* A couple of talks by Elder Wirthlin, "Come What May and Love It" (The Law of Compensation) and "Sunday Will Come" ("Each of us will have our own Fridays - those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces.  We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again.  We will all have our Fridays.  But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death - Sunday will come.  In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.  No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come.  In this life or the next, Sunday will come.")
* My favorite definition of Hope:  "Hope is serene.  Here eyes have the deep, knowing look of someone well acquainted with sorrow, the luminosity of recently being wet with tears.  Hope has the confidence of one who clearly sees a bright future even when the next hours seem fog shrouded.  Hope is steady and strong."
* Watching the movie, "The Time Machine".  In it, the main character loses someone he loves and asks the question, "Why can't I change the past?"  The answer?  Because it makes us who we are.  I love a quote that my sister stuck on her facebook page, "See how far you've come? Be proud of yourself.  If nothing else, one day, you can look at someone straight in the eye and say: 'But I lived through it and it made me who I am today.'"
* Realizing that, although I never saw it coming, the Lord has prepared me to deal with this trial in my life.  I can't tell you how much I have depended on things I have learned from deployments during this time, namely:
  - The Lord will never forsake me.  I am never alone, even when I am on my own.
  - The importance of Gratitude.  There are two truths that lay before me - my trials and my blessings, and I choose which to focus on.
  - The Lord can bring good from anything, as we trust in Him and allow ourselves to be molded and refined.
  - Things make a lot more sense from the eternal perspective.
I know that the Lord prepared me for this, He will help me through it, and I will trust in Him.

*  I also loved this conversation relayed back to me between my brother, Spencer, his wife, Tiffany, and Kate:

Spencer - What do you think Grandma's doing right now?  Do you think she's with Calvin (my brother's baby who died)?

Kate - Grandma's not doing anything.  She's dead!

Spencer - Her body is dead, but her spirit isn't.  It's like when you put a hand into a glove.  Grandma is out of her body now, but her spirit is still alive.

Kate - But what if it's a mitten?  (So, so Kate)

Tiffany - Well, that's like Jessica's body.  Her body couldn't move the same as other bodies, but inside her spirit is the same.

I'm so grateful to have wonderful family members who will teach my children eternal truths at their level and who don't miss a beat by my daughters inquisitive nature.

Our Ward Family in Florida surprised us when we got home with a clean house, dinner, freezer meals & groceries, and many cards and well wishes

Our neighbors took care of our yard while we were gone and gave us this beautiful bush full of mini pink roses.  

Aly rearranged her room to create a little memorial spot for her Aunt Jess and Grandma Jackman

As I've been thinking about my wonderful Mom and sister over the past few weeks - how much I love them and will miss the joy they bring to my life - I've realized that even though I can't have them here with me right now, I can honor and remember them by passing on to my family what they have taught me:

* How to serve.  My mom was my sister's honorary nurse for almost 23 years, and I never once heard her complain.  In addition, she continued to take care of the rest of our family as well - after babies were born, after surgeries, watching my kids so that Chris and I could go on vacations, helping me to unpack after a move, cooking, cleaning my house, serving in the temple multiple times a week, visiting my Grandma Webb every day in her nursing home to feed her lunch.  She loved people and she loved to serve them.

* A love of nature.  What a beautiful world Heavenly Father and our Savior created for us:  Beautiful sunsets, majestic mountains, the sound of the ocean, and that Lake Powell truly is heaven on earth.

*Never lose childlike wonder and excitement - My mom was never afraid to show her emotions - to get excited, even giddy, about the little things.  Just being around her made me happy.

* Learn to laugh - at yourself, through the hard times - just be goofy!  Humor can make even the hardest things easier to bear.  My sister loved to laugh - she always made you feel like you were hilarious because she would be laughing so hard at whatever conversation you were having with her.

* Never Give Up/Overcoming adversity.  Just because something's hard is not a reason to not do it.  Nothing in my sister's life was "normal".  She had to figure out her own unique ways of doing everything, from holding a pencil to driving a car to doing her hair.  My mom and sister instilled a "Can Do" attitude in me and I'm grateful that they always included me in their planning.  One of Jessica's goals was to eventually be able to move into her own apartment and be completely independent.  Before she died she was working on figuring out how to cook and clean for herself and how she could do grocery shopping.  We hadn't gotten there yet, but I have no doubt we would have figured it out with enough time and creativity.  We always found a way to make it work and I'm so grateful to be a part of a problem-solving family that never gives up.

*The importance of the temple and that Family is everything - and worth every sacrifice to be with them for eternity.  I am so grateful for the blessings of the gospel, especially the blessings of the temple - to know that I will be able to live with my family for eternity if I live worthy to my covenants.

So, in summary?  I have been broken and humbled, but not forsaken.  Sometimes maybe we need to be broken a little to build a better us, ya know?   I know the Lord will help me through this, so I will keep running my race, even while I wait for a very happy reunion with those who have gone on before me.